christmas
and i have never cried so hard in my entire adult life.
ever.
out on the back stoop in 30 degree weather
shortsandashirtandsobbing because my brother is screamingandstompingandjustashell filled with this insatiable anger that comes from a deep place too far to reach.
where has my only brother gone to?
he is no one that i know
he is no one
and in this moment i realize he hasn’t been for years.
the tears have washed away my prettiest words.
my family is a lot like watching an addiction documentary
and our drug is called michael.
one does not rehab oneself from ones son
so we are stuck here
apologizing to each other
and watching every holiday or gathering or standard hour crumble
as if they were metal towers in a row at a carnival game
and my brother is the gunpowder powering the pellets
ticking off one.
two.
three.
